I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
