she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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