Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I believe in your delicious
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
