Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
