I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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