why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize