I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
