I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
