his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
