I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
third nipple confirmed
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
