I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
