I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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