I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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