you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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