Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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