Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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