my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
