This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
