my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
