Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
you made out with another girl for some wings
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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