I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
