I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize