i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
