I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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