so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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