i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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