paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
