How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She's the barista slut.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
