I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
