never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
