i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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