why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
