I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
