We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My penis needs a shock collar
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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