does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
