My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
