I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize