i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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