I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
