i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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