i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
