I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
