That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
jump out the window naked night went bad
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
