When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
