To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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