Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
