Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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