And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize