I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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