thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Never underestimate the power of titties
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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