I'm drive I can fine osifer
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
