You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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