If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I have post one night stand depression
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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