i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Randomize
