he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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