Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
