We're like a lot better than the average bears
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
