I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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