she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
