Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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