girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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