Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize