Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
