I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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